An open letter to my son

My son, my ray of sunshine, my Charlie,​If I think about it too much and realise you are really gone, the pain is so deep that I don’t feel I could ever recover. 

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When I tried to write this letter, I knew that a million words wouldn’t be able to convey what I wanted to tell you, nor the million tears that I’ve cried over the past few months but there’s comfort in knowing that you were borne from me and so you know, you already know. 

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The morning you came into this world was one of the happiest moments of my life. At the time, it was the worst nightmare I’d ever experienced as I realised that I could be one of those people that lose their babies. But it brought me you.The sun was warm and was streaming through the window and we had labored together all night long. We didn’t know it at the time, but you were too good for this earth. You were only ever supposed to exist in my womb and it feels so empty now. Now I know it was your life source, I feel the emptiness even more.  

My beautiful boy, you had a life of pain but I hope that those little moments when you heard our voices coming up the hallway of the NICU, or when your big sister was telling you all about the chooks at home and telling you how much she loved you, or when we laid our hands on your chest, conveyed a lifetime of the love that we had and will always have for you. 

You came from our love and grew within our love. Whilst we had so many hopes and dreams of joy where you existed on earth, you weren’t ever made for that. You were made perfectly, my Charlie Ray. We, as your parents, as your big sister, as your family, loved you for you. And you’ve taught me so much in your 12 days of life. You’ve taught me how precious life is. How the tiniest of souls can have the biggest impact in your life. You taught me the meaning of selfless, gracious love as you lay there in your crib looking up with those big beautiful eyes. You loved us without expecting anything in return. 

And whilst my arms ache so much to hold you again just one more time, and the way I miss the smell of the top of your head sends shooting pains in my chest, I know with your life, you gifted us the most beautiful thing. The ability to love you, without guilt clouding our grief.  

Charlie, you are nowhere but everywhere. You’re in every ray of sun, the warmth on my eyelids when I close my eyes, in the wind on my face, you are in the depth of the ocean with your big soulful eyes, you are in the contours of your sister’s cheeks, you’re in every fiber of my being.

And whilst I miss you with every beat of my heart, for the rest of my life, I get to look forward to walking into heaven and hearing you call out, ‘Mama.’ I can’t wait for that. 

I will love you forever, my son.